A Day In HFIL
by Sparrow319
Summary: Read the title. It says it all. It's a normal day in HFIL. Or at least my rendition of it. Heeheehee.


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A/N: Just an odd little fic that popped into my head. Please review. I'm feeling unloved.

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Disclaimer: As I previously said: I have no love. Do you think I own DBZ? If you truly loved me you would buy it for me....

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Author's Disclaimer: If you are traumatized by this fic it is not my fault.

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A Day In HFIL

"Would you like some more tea Bobbidi?" asked a raspy voice. Frieza sat at round table covered in a pink linen tablecloth, with a delicate porcelain floral teapot poised over a matching empty cup.

"Don't mind if I do," replied Bobbidi in his annoyingly high-pitched voice.

As Frieza was refilling his cup, Cell walked in wearing a frilly apron and oven-mitts. In his hands he held a plate of steaming-fresh chocolate-chip cookies. He looked amazingly like one of those mothers in the old, black and white television sitcoms from the fifties. He smiled and a ray of light flashed off of his perfectly white teeth. *ping* "Who would like some cookies?" Cell's perfectly mellow voice floated through the air.

"Oh yes please." Bobbidi sounded like a chipmunk on helium.

"Careful though. I just pulled them out of the oven."

Bobbidi carefully picked one up and began eating it.

"How about you Debura? Would you like a cookie?" Cell directed this at the large orange demon sitting silently across from him, arms folded sullenly over his chest.

Debura just glared back at him.

Cell smirked. "No I don't suppose you would."

Not catching the look of anger in Debura's eyes, Bobbidi piped in, "You really should try these. They're quite good."

"Correction," said Cell, "They're perfect."

The other villains sweatdropped. There was a moment of silence.

Bobbidi cleared his throat. "I really like what you've done with the place," he commented.

"Thankyou," Frieza said in his/her drag-queen smoker voice. "We've recently finished redecorating. At first I wasn't sure about painting the walls buttercream with the ivy border, but I'm very pleased with the way it turned out."

"I must agree. It pulls everything together. Are the curtains also new?" Bobbidi asked.

"Yes they are. I embroidered them myself." Frieza replied.

"Wow. You're quite good. I especially like the daisies with the skulls in the middle."

Debura nodded his head in agreement. "It's a nice touch."

Frieza blushed. "Well...you know how it is. One has so much time on their heads down here." s/he said modestly.

"Yes, I do find that to be true. I've recently taken up knitting. I'm working on a lovely cashmere sweater right now. And Debura here has taken to expressing himself through paintings. He's been experimenting with different mediums," Bobbidi squeaked.

"Such as what?" Cell inquired.

"At first I tried painting with blood and excrement, but it wasn't successful," Debura rumbled, "My paintings just weren't turning out the way I wanted them to. So I switched to oil pastels, but the colors were still too harsh. I am currently using water colors and am quite happy with the results. I seem to have found my niche."

"That's very interesting," Frieza said, taking a sip of his/her tea. "Cell has become quite the cook and he is learning to play the flute as well."

"I find it to be very relaxing."

"What do you play?" Bobbidi asked.

"Mozart is my favorite composer. I've almost memorized all of his work. It's been coming quite naturally to me. I suspect that I might have some of his genes too. I wasn't programmed just to fight. I believe that my true purpose, after I killed Goku, was to act as a music box to Dr. Gero."

"How nice. You shall have to perform for us sometime. Even Majin Buu has found ways to spend his free time. He's really gotten into macaroni art. Oh! That reminds me..." Bobbidi said, pulling a piece of paper covered in painted macaroni out of his robes. "Buu made this for you," he said handing it to Frieza.

"Ooohh. How sweet," Frieza cooed, examining the noodle creation. "It's lovely. We should get it framed. What do you think, Cell?" s/he asked, handing him the picture. Cell studied the paper. It depicted a large pink blob with something that looked like a large, open mouth. The blob seemed to be eating a humanoid figure with green eyes and yellow hair. Cell smiled. *ping* 

"I think it will go perfectly in our little shrine." He pointed to a barely noticeable closet with an open door. The inside was painted completely black with saiyings like "DEATH", "DESTRUCTION", and "DIE MONKEYS" along with skulls and cross-bones and various implements of murder painted in red and white. There was a black table on the floor of the closet that had little dolls in the shape of the Z-warriors scattered across the surface. The all had knives sticking out of their bodies and a couple of them even had their heads cut off and their stuffing spilling out.

Bobbidi's eyes widened in delight. "How quaint! I love it!"

"You'll find that most homes here in HFIL have something similar." Frieza commented.

"By the way, what does HFIL stand for?" Bobbidi asked in his squeaky voice.

"Home For Infinate Losers," Frieza replied.

"WHAT!?!" Debura roared, leaping to his feet and splashing some of his tea on his shirt. He took no notice of the hot liquid.

"Oh come off it Debura. Stop over-reacting," Bobbidi demanded. Of course it his hard to take his demands seriously because he sounds like a deranged Mickey Mouse.

Cell also rose to his feet, although he did it a little more calmly. "Well you certainly didn't get here by winning."

Debura slammed his hands on the table and leaned menacingly towards Cell. Cell mirrored the movement. "At least my death was my own fault. You, on the other hand, were defeated by a twelve-year-old kid. The _same_ child who was unable to beat me as an adult."

"At least _I_ wasn't stupid enough to get myself turned into a cookie and _eaten_ by that over-grown marshmallow!"

"Why you pompous insect! I am the King of all Demons! How dare you speak to me that way!" [A/N: Remind you of anyone?]

"Get over it you irritating fuzz-ball! Down here you are just the same as the rest of us!"

"Boys! Boys! Stop it!" Frieza cried, getting between the two and pushing them apart. 

"Loser." Cell muttered under his breath.

Frieza shot him a Look. "Now I mean it." s/he said sternly. "Behave yourself."

"That goes for you too, Debura," Bobbidi said, effectively cutting off the demon's reply to Cell's insult.

The two villains sat down again and proceeded to sulk.

Frieza and Bobbidi sighed, then decided to just ignore them.

"So what's new around here?" Bobbidi asked, sipping his tea.

"The Ginyu force has formed a synchronized swimming team."

"Hmm. They should be good at that."

"And the Spice Boys held a twister contest yesterday by the stagnant pools."

"Really? Who won?"

"I'm not sure. Pepper, Saffron, Rosemary....one of them. I can never keep them straight."

"Neither can I."

"There's a short little green guy running around here claiming to be Napoleon and challenging everyone to checkers wars. Of course he always loses. No sense of strategy or timing." 

"Ah yes. I know who you're talking about. I believe his name is Pilaf."

"I believe you're right. Anyways. He's really getting on Napoleon's nerves. He keeps speaking in a bad French accent, asking for cheese and wine, and making comments about height. He's got the height thing completely backwards. Napoleon is 6' 7"."

"Well I've heard that this place drives some people crazy. Like I heard the story of this one guy..."

Debura and Cell quickly forgot their disagreement as they became absorbed in the latest gossip. Time passed and the tea party came to a close.

Everyone was laughing at a story that Frieza had just finished telling.

"I never knew that Radditz was such a neat-freak!" Bobbidi giggled. He wiped a tear from his eye and glanced at his watch. "We should probably get going. Buu's probably eaten his sitter by now. I know you can't die again down here, but it must be very painful to be eaten and digested. And it gives Buu the most awful stomache-aches. It's so hard to find good help these days," he sighed. "We should do this again soon, though."

"How about next week?" Frieza asked. "My father is coming over for dinner and Cell is trying out a new souffle recipe."

"I saw your father working in his garden the other day. His bleeding hearts and black-eyed susans were coming along beautifully."

"You should join us for dinner. He'll be so pleased to hear you say that. You'll have to go back when his tulips and wisteria are in bloom. They are simply lovely. You can tie Buu up outside if you're unable to find a sitter. You must be running low by now."

"It should make for a perfect evening." Cell said. *ping* There was that smile again.

"It's a date then," Bobbidi said. "And thanks for the cookies for Buu."

Cell smirked and glanced at Deborah. "I just hope it will be enough."

As the goodbyes were being said and Frieza and Cell were ushering their guests out the door, the scene faded.

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From Somewhere Very Far From HFIL

Trunks and Goten sat dazed as they watched the white orb in front of them go blank.

"I don't know about you Goten, but I think I've been traumatized," Trunks said.

"Yeah. I think I've been scarred for life."

"That was wrong on so many levels."

"That is the last time we borrow that witch's crystal ball to spy on people."

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So did you like it? Did I go too far with the HFIL gossip? What _is_ that witch's name? Will you review? Will I ever add another chapter to "Spring is Here"? I have no idea. I guess we'll just have to tune in again and find out.


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